Posts Tagged ‘sexual urge’

101 Questions About Pornography – What’s YOUR Question?

July 27th, 2010

So, I get anxious each day wondering what I should be doing. It’s only when I sit down and really meditate & pray on where my energies would be best spent that I access truly meaningful direction. Maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s good every once in a while to head to the mountains and think about where I’m going in life. So, in one of my latest flashes of inspiration I’ve decided to spend some time answering questions that you have about pornography, addiction and the like.

My intention is to take all the questions I gather up and go to the experts: those who have overcome addictions as well as those working with others to overcome their addiction to pornography. Some answers may come as blog posts, others as podcasts (audio interviews) and some as videos.

I’ve kick-started the list of questions to have answered. These are questions I’ve either asked myself or have heard people ask. I encourage you to ask your questions in the comment section below or to otherwise contact me with your most pressing questions about pornography and addiction. I look forward to answering your questions!!

Then make sure you’ve signed up for the Destination Freedom list with the form at the right to be notified of coming podcast guests and as each answer is made available. NEW! Honest Answers Podcast.

Understanding Pornography & Pornographers

1. What exactly is pornography?
2. Porn is just porn when there’s nudity & sex, right?
3. About what age to people typically 1st see porn?
4. Do pornographers really want me addicted or just to go about legitimately selling their product?
5. Where does my money go if I buy porn?
6. If I just look at free porn I’m not supporting the industry, right?
7. What’s the effect of porn on those creating it? What goes on behind the scenes in the creation of pornography?

Something May Be Wrong: Am I Addicted? (Sincere Questions)

8. If I look at porn, can I become addicted? Is pornography really an addiction?
9. How do I know if I’m addicted to pornography?
10. I’ve heard “once and addict, always an addict.” Is this true with porn addiction?
11. I struggle to not look at porn, do I have an addiction?
12. Everyone says watching porn is okay…why do I feel so bad?
13. Why is porn everywhere nowadays?
14. Do I need to see a doctor about my porn addiction?
15. Where can I read more about porn addiction?
16. Are there any lasting effects of watching porn?
17. Is porn addiction genetic?
18. What’ the typical profile of someone who’s addicted to porn?

In Need of Hope

19. I started w/ porn, but now am involved sexually. Is it too late for me?
20. I’ve tried to stop watching porn before. Can I really do it this time?
21. I’ve tried everything! How can I once and for all overcome pornography addiction?
22. Can people really break porn addictions or are they just wired that way?

Understanding Addiction

23. What role does fear play in a porn addiction?
24. What is the role of fantasy in a porn addiction?
25. What’s the role of shame in perpetuating a porn addiction?
26. What role does secrecy play in a pornography addiction?

Porn & the Brain (Porn as a Drug)

27. Why do I always “zone out” when I start thinking of porn? It’s like I can’t do anything else until I look at porn.
28. I’ve heard pornography is like a drug. How?
29. How can porn be addictive if you don’t ingest it?
30. If I see porn once will I always have those images in my head?
31. I’ve seen some pretty bad porn. Will it ever leave my mind?
32. How long does it take to forget the porn I’ve seen?
33. What happens in my brain when I look at porn?

Porn & Relationships

34. Can I watch porn and still have a healthy attitude towards women?
35. Can I overcome an addiction to pornography alone?
36. Can porn change the way I think about women?
37. How can my relationships with others help me in overcoming a porn addiction?
38. I already stopped watching porn. Do I still need to tell somebody about it?
39. How does pornography use affect my relationships?

Porn, Marriage & the Family

40. Can porn really destroy my marriage?
41. How do I tell my spouse about my struggles with porn?
42. My wife said she’d divorce me if she ever caught me looking at porn. I looked. What do I do?!
43. Won’t my addiction to pornography go away when I get married?
44. I’ve got porn, so why get married?
45. Why is porn more exciting than sex with my spouse?
46. What’s the difference between porn & sex within marriage?
47. Can I use porn to spice up my marriage?

Opening Up: Breaking the Silence

48. I feel like I’ll be rejected if I tell others about my porn problem.
49. How can I talk to my parents about my porn problem?
50. How can I overcome my embarrassment to tell someone about my struggle with porn?
51. I’m a public official, sharing my problem will harm many people, should I still come clean?
52. Why is it important to be accountable (i.e. report) to someone else for my porn problem?

Breaking Addiction

53. What can a 12 Step program do to help me break my porn addiction?
54. How can I stop watching porn?
55. What can my life be like without pornography?
56. What’s the role of gratitude in breaking a porn addiction?
57. What’s the role of service in overcoming a porn addiction?
58. Are there any meds I can take to stop my porn addiction?
59. What activities work best to replace my need for porn?
60. Why do I keep going back to porno even though I hate it?
61. What’s the most important thing I can do to break my porn addiction?
62. Are there affirmations I can use to change my attitudes and beliefs about porn and people?
63. Can I use hypnosis to stop my porn addiction?
64. Are there warning signs that someone is addicted to porn?

Addiction Prevention & Maintenance

65. What can I do on a daily basis to prevent porn addiction?
66. How do I identify the triggers that pull me back into my porn addiction?
67. I feel like I have no choice. Why can’t I stop looking at porn?
68. I know I should stop looking at porn, but don’t want to. What can I do?

The Pull

69. The urges to view porn are so overwhelming. How do I prepare to face the urges to view porn?
70. It feels like I’ll die if I don’t get porn. Why are these urges so strong?

Relapse

71. I just totally indulged in porn. What now?
72. If I’ve already relapsed why not just do it some more?
73. Is there a healthy way to deal with relapse?

Spiritual Questions

74. Will I go to Hell if I look at porn?
75. I’m a Christian, why am I still tempted to look at porn?
76. How can I involve God in my recovery from porn addiction?

Setting Healthy Boundaries

77. What do I do if I can access porn at work?
78. I have co-workers/friends that give me porn. What should I do?
79. I’m on the computer all day, what can I do to help prevent using porn?

What’s the Big Deal? Common Rationalizations

80. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with porn. Why should I stop?
81. Isn’t porn a good place to learn about sex?
82. How can I protect myself against the effects of porn?
83. What’s so bad about porn?
84. Is porn really that big of a problem?
85. Is the industry really out to get me? Seems like a scare tactic.
86. Isn’t it true that all guys look at porn?
87. Some say you can’t be addicted to porn because it’s not a substance. Is that true?
88. I only look at porn a little, what’s the big deal?
89. It’s my choice to look at porn if I want to, why don’t people get off my back?
90. Will looking at porn make me go blind?
91. My favorite magazine says that porn’s okay? Are they right? If not, why do they say it?
92. Will boundaries, like a filter, really help me with my porn addiction? I can just get around it.
93. What’s wrong with just looking once at porn to see what it’s like?
94. If porn feels so good, how can it be so bad?
95. I feel so low. Porn makes me feel normal. Why stop?
96. Is there ever a time when porn use is okay?

Taking a Stand: Community Advocacy

97. Aren’t there laws against pornography?
98. What can I do to keep porn out of my community?
99. What can I do to keep porn out of my home?
100. Is it important to talk openly about porn @ home even if there’s no problem?
101. How do I know if someone I love is struggling with porn?

1 comment »

Posted in Shedding Light On

Tags:

Dissonance Reduction

September 24th, 2009

I’m not the kind of guy who typically shares my struggles with people, especially when it comes to pornography, masturbation and sexual addiction. If you ask most of my friends they’d tell you I’m an upbeat, positive guy who doesn’t seem to let life get him down. This, I agree is true. However, in the course of any given day “filled with sunshine” I struggle tremendously inside to live what I know to be right. But I am committed to come off conqueror.

In psychology there’s a concept known as dissonance reduction. When reality appears to be different from one’s beliefs or desires it can create internal disharmony or what’s known as cognitive dissonance. A common way that people try to reconcile this uneasy gap between what is and what is wanted is to change one’s beliefs…to bring into harmony one’s desires/beliefs with the perceived reality, being content.

Now at times, contentment can be very helpful and positive, freeing one’s self of flawed self and world views. But, it is worth considering the Serenity Prayer of Alcoholics Anonymous: “God grant me the ability to change what I can, accept that which I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference.” The danger with always reducing dissonance by changing our beliefs should be obvious. Without a set of firm and true guiding principles we are likely to be tossed around every time something is difficult and ultimately never achieve greatness.

Life, by design, is meant to engage us in a grand learning experience. Pain or challenge is a great teacher to those seeking truth. This doesn’t necessarily mean that one intentionally seeks out these masterful educators. There is a second way to achieve a reduction of dissonance when reality seems to be separate from our desires.

Assuming that your beliefs are founded on true principles, i.e. they lead you to do good, to help others, to love and give and grow and have inner peace even when external circumstances are bereft of peace, then changing your behaviors or actions to align with your beliefs is at the very center of the principles of growth and change.

If we are here on earth to learn and grow and find and follow truth, which I believe that we are, then it’s a must to know when to change our beliefs to mirror truth and when to change our behaviors to do the same.

Cognitive Dissonance or internal uneasiness is almost like an indicator we can use to gauge our progress on our journeys through life, a life success barometer. Those feelings bring to our attention a basic need, calling to be filled. It’s then up to us to examine it to decide whether a belief needs to be changed or a behavior that needs to more closely fall in alignment with our beliefs.

Through thoughtful consideration and sincere prayer it would be in our best interest to decide whether we need to “stick to our guns” (our beliefs) and “cowboy up” (change our actions)  or whether we just need to let go of old and untrue beliefs. It’s my firm conviction that we all have a conscience that, if we listen, can tell us what paths will lead to happiness and what ones will lead to sadness and despair. Therefore, any decision to let go of our beliefs shouldn’t happen just because it’s challenging to live according to them.

When we live truth we will inevitably encounter situations where we are tested in our devotion to it. Peer pressure, popularity of an idea of idea or support of an philosophy by a leader shouldn’t be our yardstick for measuring truth. Truth, when pondered in quiet moments with a sincere desire to live what one learns will “ring true” in some way. Often it comes through a calm or peaceful assurance. I will get excited by the prospects when I feel the clean & pure power of truth. Then it’s up to us to decide how we need to change to fit what we have just learned.

I recently heard someone say that which we focus on expands. I have heard this same idea expressed in other ways over the years and it is something that rings true to me as I’ve observed the things on which I focus. Focus is also how the brain learns and grows. It lays down new connections to reinforce existing connections and the more we study or spend time with a topic the more intricate the network of neurons becomes around that topic.

I have felt the power in this concept as I have been practicing what my pornography recovery program calls gratitude breathing. Each morning and night I spend 20 minutes in a quiet, secluded place. I have written down 5 situations that are fearful or anxiety producing to me. I bring them to mind, one by one, imagining myself in the setting. When I begin to feel the temptation or urge arise to indulge in sexual fantasy I immediately begin deep breathing, in for 6 seconds and out for the same. During my first breathe I ask the Lord for help in seeing things clearly.

While I breathe in I think of something for which I am grateful. While I breathe out I let the gratitude fill my entire body. I repeat this 5 times. As I’ve done this, a powerful calm fill me and I’m able to see the situation more clearly. I then face the temptation and re-frame it by stating aloud what I want it to mean to me.

For example: if the temptation is seeing a woman immodestly dressed and feeling the urge to fantasize about seeing her nude or having sex with her, after clearing my mind and filling my heart with gratitude I may say out loud something like, “What a beautiful woman. I wonder what her hopes and dreams are. I am her brother, a protector of virtue. I love my girlfriend and am excited to give my all to her someday. These powerful feelings I’m having  are a gift from God to cement a loving relationship together. I choose to bridle my passions that I may be filled with love and respect for all women.”

This practice has prepared me to face temptations I inevitably have on a daily basis, temptations to align my actions with my feelings and leave behind my values and beliefs. It’s through a sincere study of and praying about the word of the Lord and other good books that I find the truths that can make one happy and it’s through living them that I live after the manner of happiness.

2 comments »

Posted in Facilitating Success, Inspiring Action

Tags: