Dr. Patrick Carnes is big in the field of sexual addiction & recovery. His Out of the Shadows of the Net was one of the first books I picked up when I started getting real about how to break free from my addiction to pornography.
Several months ago I sat down with my girlfriend at the time and talked about the things I felt like where gonna be critical for my recovery going forward. One of those things was going out to a 12 Step based support group. A while back I went to one meeting, but then got into some groups that were associated with the individual therapy I was receiving at the time. They weren’t really rooted in the 12 steps however.
Here Dr. Carnes gives some of the core reasons why a group like 12 Steps is important in the recovery of those struggling with sexual addictions.
In his powerfully profound book Human Intimacy Victor Brown describes the tendency many have to confuse love an intimacy with sex. While sex is a component of the most sacred and purest intimacy that can be enjoyed by husband and wide, it is definitely not synonymous with love or intimacy.
“Sex addict” is a term used to describe those who have come to find they cannot resist or live without sex. Because there is often a void they are seeking to fill, a loving relationship, the term “love addict” also is used at times. While I disagree with calling people addicts, I do know first had the power of addiction.
When a person becomes trapped by their sexuality, a prison like no other is formed. When someone is addicted to heroin they can go somewhere where there is none and detox. Sexual addictions can be one of the hardest to break because we carry with us at all times the “drug of choice.” All one needs is a moment to fantasize and the chemicals are released into the brain. And when others are involved with the “addict” it becomes a trap that deadens and destroys relationships.
“Bridle your passions that you may be filled with love,” is a wise statement on so many levels. Imagine your passion and drive for sex to be a horse. Which scenario delivers the freedom you desire – A bucking bronco with the rope tied at his groin or the tamed and broken stallion with the rope attached to a harness, giving you direction and control of his movements?
Are you or someone you know addicted to sex? You’re not alone. Wherever you find people you’ll find others trying to exploit those base desires. But you always have a choice and can overcome if you you’ve found yourself addicted to sex or love. There IS hope! Many others have found themselves addicted and have also found their way out. You can too!
Sign up to the right for a free mini-course to learn more about how the brain experiences addiction and what how you can use it for breaking your pornography addiction.
In the course of my recent search for freedom from pornography and other sexual addictions and heavily rooted in the Candeo program I am engaged in, I’ve seen realized the absolute necessity to correctly understand who I am and conversely, who I am NOT.
Falling in the mud doesn’t make one mud, nor does even willfully playing in the mud while having an understanding of the consequences lead to a transformation of a man back into the elements originally utilized to form his body. I am NOT my addictions.
It was truly refreshing to hear the strong refuting in the Candeo program of the “Once and addict, always an addict” philosophy so heavily taught in the social sciences. I had come accross this same firm stance that we are more than our behaviors a couple years back while reading The Alcholholism and Addiction Cure. In so many subtle and convincing ways we can come to believe that we are merely what we think or do. Even Batman said it so persuasively, “It’s not who I am underneath, it’s what I DO that defines me.”
Wow, I’m just realizing now just how harmful that philosophy can be to the thousands that find themselves trapped in bad habits and addictive behavior and who are looking for answers in fear.
I have definitley struggled against believing I was worthless. I haven’t always succeeded is seeing right, but at times I’ve felt a love beyond description that has surrounded me, made me to feel completely safe and that has given me sure confidence in who I am – a being of eternal light and infinite worth. In those wonderful moments I’ve glimpsed the eternities and felt assurance that everything would work out for the best. It’s that vision of myself to whom I aspire, to which I seek to conform my life to and it’s THAT being that so much is this world seeks to supress.
Through our actions & thoughts we can convince ourselves that the philosophies of man – that man is only man and can succeed by their own strength a – humanism – is true. By doing so we lose sight of the divinty within us, that part that understands truth naturally, that part that reaches out to others in love and concern for their well being, that part of us that truly realizes that we are all one, children of a living God. We can also begin to worship pleasure (hedonism), the mind (intellectualism) or the things which we can create (materialism); again, all leading to the same drab conclusion: that our existence has an end in ourselves.
The “true self” of which I’ve caught glimpses – by cutting through the darkness & filth of negative self talk, indulgence in the physical appetites & idleness – can only be understood by one seeking to find it. This means that behavior and thought don’t define us, but rather, that if properly practiced can lead us to understanding and seeing our true selves.
This leads me my next an investigation on the nature of truth, how to really know it or rather, how to see things as they really are & how to keep from being deceived by those who would tell lies & falsehoods for their own purposes: riches, popularity, power & gratifying the lusts of the flesh.
Shedding light on the truths of pornography use, instilling hope in those that are caught in the darkness of addiction, inspiring action and providing tips & tools to help facilitate the success that will come to all those who wish it.
