“Watch and pray,” Jesus said, “that ye enter not into temptation.” (Matt. 26:41.)
I have felt time and again that one of things that leads me into temptation is not being focused. Sometimes when I sleep in I feel groggy upon waking. In this morning haze I often let my mind wander where it wants. If I’ve had a dream that’s sexual in nature my mind can be drawn to that in its foggy state. Not so good.
I’ve grown up learning about morning and evening prayers. In the case I described above, morning prayers are definitely a start to me gaining focus in my morning.
I learned a while ago just how powerful it is to “pray always.” Now of course that doesn’t mean that I’m on my knees all day long, but it DOES mean that I watch all day and pay attention to where my eyes are going, what I’m thinking, what feelings I’m having and what I’m saying and doing…which are an outcome of the first three.
At first it was really hard for me to recognize when I was in a state ripe for indulging. I had just acted so many times on the thoughts & urges that the window of awareness was small, but it’s getting easier. After many prayers and some practice it is becoming easier.
Sometimes it’s hard for me to remained focused on any given plan of attack. I think at times I make it too difficult, too many steps. So, I’m going to recommit myself again and try a simpler plan…3 weeks is the ultimate goal, but I haven’t gone 1 week in a while without giving in to some temptation or another, so I’ll start there.
The things I’m going to do daily
Spirit:
Study the Word
Prayer
Mind:
Practice Face it. Replace it. Connect.
Journaling
Body
Exercise
Good Sleep
Others
Serve
Work
Now that I write it out, it again seems like too much…is it? Eh, I’ll give er a shot. These are all very powerful things in my life. I’m also going to track how well I keep my eyes focused on good things, my thoughts on truth, my hands where they should be , and my actions in check.
Over the last couple days I’ve felt a lack of confidence in the efforts I’ve been making to rid my life of pornography, addiction and lust. I guess with the realization that only Christ has power to save I mistakenly thought that I no longer needed to take heed when temptations would come. For a small moment I was thinking that he’d magically swoop in and save me IN my sins.
However, yesterday as I knelt in prayer and this morning as I was feasting upon the words of Christ I felt a gentle impression that my works ARE important, but that I just needed to remember why I was doing them. My efforts in learning about my addiction and in building skills necessary to face it are not so that I can fill some divine quota that would qualify myself for deliverance from my struggles.
Rather, my efforts are simply my meager offerings that I place on the altar of sacrifice before my Father in Heaven. I then must plead to him for acceptance of the offering that I know is not enough to save myself. Lastly, I must ask with all sincerity for the blood of his Son to cleanse and free me.
So, I again am confident that my efforts to change are not in vain. I simply must always keep the focus on my Savior and his ability, his might, his strength, for I of myself am weak. I of myself have been addicted to lust for almost 20 years. The only break in that addiction came when I began to search the words of Christ to find him and then gave myself to service.
It just hit me now as I’m writing this that I may just be arriving someday soon at the first step of the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program:
I admit that I, of myself, am powerless to overcome my addictions and that my life has become unmanageable.
I dearly seek the submission necessary to again leave behind my world of addiction and let the Light of Christ fill my heart, magnify my abilities and give me infinite love with which to serve my brothers and sisters here on this earth. Life is too short to spend it in any other way!
Sexual dreams are one thing that I can say isn’t new. In the past I’ve felt bad about having them, like I’m some type of pervert or bad person for having them. I think I felt that way before because I was still not consciously convinced that I could get out of my pornography addiction. They reminded me of my addiction and so I was scared. When those dreams would come into the scene of my mind I’d often wake up aroused and self-stimulate.
I have since come to a very different opinion of dreams. After looking a little into what dreams are I’ve felt some comfort in the thoughts of some dream researchers. Some believe that dreams are ways for our subconscious minds to work out answers to problems that we have during the day.
One researcher had worked with a girl that had been raped and was continually having nightmares about being overpowered by some man. She was told to enter her dreams and face her attacker. When she did her bad dreams stopped. Facing her fears brought about resolution.
[dream video]
Dreams have meant quite a bit to me over the years. I have spent time thinking about the things that happen in my dreams and felt some pretty powerful meanings arise. In one dream I stood in front of a classroom for some sort of show and tell. I had a little red pig that my girlfriend at the time had given to me. As I stood up there I felt embarrassed in front of the classroom, so I make fun of the pig. Everyone laughed, but I saw at the back of the room my girlfriend run away crying. I was unaware that she had been there, but at that moment I knew that I had something in my life that was important that I wasn’t treasuring as I should. Upon thinking about that meaning I was able to clearly identify something in my waking life that I needed to take more seriously.
I am grateful for my dreams and even thought I don’t fully understand them I am glad I have them.
After I woke up this morning I turned on a podcast by Candeo’s Mark Kastleman about Dealing with Erotic Dreams. One thing that I like about what he said was that we can approach waking from our dreams in the same way that we approach any other stimulus or trigger, with facing it, replacing it and connecting. We can do some gratitude breathing if we feel aroused and then give the dream the meaning that we want, replacing old beliefs that keep us trapped as prisoners to those dreams.
He suggested that if it’s too powerful we put in an inspiring movie or some powerful music to help us vividly connect with our motives and goals. And if by chance we wake up in the middle of the night and feel like there’s no way to connect he suggested journaling as a powerful way to connect with other. We could even write a letter to a friend or plan out some service we’re gonna do 1st thing when we wake up.
Breaking from the topic of dreams, I felt like I haven’t been as diligent the last couple of days in my recovery. I haven’t spent time learning or practicing that much. I’m not going to beat myself up for it, so I want to remember some of the great things that I’ve chosen to do. I have been with my girlfriend each day after work and have shared some sweet moments with her and her daughter. Last night we built a fort in their front room and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows over the fire in their fireplace. Good times!
I choose to avoid being complacent and am recommitting to being vigilant in my recovery and I’m excited to learn and grow each day.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what’s most important in life and why. It seems to me that knowing this would add meaning & power to my healing & recovery from pornography addiction. Again and again in small and simple, yet profound ways the answer has come to me: People matter most. How I interact with others determines the quality of my life.
There is a great teaching in many religions that can be summarized by the simple words of the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Ghandi said it this way, “be the change you wish to see in the world.” These sayings invite us to look inward and to focus on changing our own behavior. How wise indeed, for no man can change the habits of another unless he inspires action through the power of his own right conduct. We can only change ourselves.
Treating others with kindness because it’s how we’d like to be treated is a great reason to live a life of service. Looking deeper we can find that the reason these teachings exist is because our very understanding of life’s deepest truths can only be fully understood as we give ourselves to the aid of others.
Last week as I got ready for my day I had the strong impression that “we need each other.” The thought came seemingly out of the blue although it was preceeded by a smile and quick memory about my girlfriend. The thought however of us all needing each other sunk in deep during the moments that followed.
I recalled times where I had felt like I wanted escape being around others or that I could understand life without the help of others. I even felt that I could overcome my pornography addiction without the others, just me and God, that’s all I needed. Ironically, I often came to those feelings while reading books…written by, yup, others. I also would feel this superman-like determination after a relapse and because I was embarrassed to tell anyone of what I had done.
The power of connecting emotionally with others allows love flow freely as we give our energies; our time, our thoughts and prayers, our skills and passions, our laughter and our true understanding gained through lives experiences – to those around us. Indeed, it is ONLY through these, often difficult efforts, that any lasting connection can be made. Victor Brown said in his powerful book Human Intimacy: Illusion & Reality, “marriage (and for that matter, all relationships) is not for emotional weaklings.”
It’s so easy to overlook the debt which we owe to our fellow man…for just about EVERYTHING. I love to play the guitar. However, my enjoyment of this hobby would have been severely limited without the efforts of the thousands who came before me; those who studied acoustics, those that build prototypes who failed and tried again, those that diligently observed and documented the relationships between notes, those who sored to great musical heights and inspire greatness and those who took incentive to finance and manufacture the creation of affordable guitars. My enjoyment has been developed over centuries and I am the beneficiary. I owe those people a debt of gratitude.
When we truly see and feel the connection we have to others – that they are part of us, our brothers and sisters – we can open up and fully give of ourselves to them and in so doing know that all we give will be returned to us. In fact, we cannot fully receive that which we do not also give. Kindness is repaid with kindness. The healing of forgiveness is obtained when we afford it to others. We help others and in doing so we only help ourselves. This was beautifully illustrated in The Celestine Prophecy, a novel by James Redfield made motion picture in 2006 (watch through about 4:15)
Perhaps this is why the final step in the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Program is to give back and to share your story with others. We share our experiences to learn of ourselves. We gain freedom and hope as we share freedom and hope with others. Because love is such a powerful key to avoiding the pitfalls of pornography addiction it’s essential to learn to give love and to serve.
Shedding light on the truths of pornography use, instilling hope in those that are caught in the darkness of addiction, inspiring action and providing tips & tools to help facilitate the success that will come to all those who wish it.
, and my actions in check.
