Over the last couple days I’ve felt a lack of confidence in the efforts I’ve been making to rid my life of pornography, addiction and lust. I guess with the realization that only Christ has power to save I mistakenly thought that I no longer needed to take heed when temptations would come. For a small moment I was thinking that he’d magically swoop in and save me IN my sins.
However, yesterday as I knelt in prayer and this morning as I was feasting upon the words of Christ I felt a gentle impression that my works ARE important, but that I just needed to remember why I was doing them. My efforts in learning about my addiction and in building skills necessary to face it are not so that I can fill some divine quota that would qualify myself for deliverance from my struggles.
Rather, my efforts are simply my meager offerings that I place on the altar of sacrifice before my Father in Heaven. I then must plead to him for acceptance of the offering that I know is not enough to save myself. Lastly, I must ask with all sincerity for the blood of his Son to cleanse and free me.
So, I again am confident that my efforts to change are not in vain. I simply must always keep the focus on my Savior and his ability, his might, his strength, for I of myself am weak. I of myself have been addicted to lust for almost 20 years. The only break in that addiction came when I began to search the words of Christ to find him and then gave myself to service.
It just hit me now as I’m writing this that I may just be arriving someday soon at the first step of the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program:
I admit that I, of myself, am powerless to overcome my addictions and that my life has become unmanageable.
I dearly seek the submission necessary to again leave behind my world of addiction and let the Light of Christ fill my heart, magnify my abilities and give me infinite love with which to serve my brothers and sisters here on this earth. Life is too short to spend it in any other way!
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what’s most important in life and why. It seems to me that knowing this would add meaning & power to my healing & recovery from pornography addiction. Again and again in small and simple, yet profound ways the answer has come to me: People matter most. How I interact with others determines the quality of my life.
There is a great teaching in many religions that can be summarized by the simple words of the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Ghandi said it this way, “be the change you wish to see in the world.” These sayings invite us to look inward and to focus on changing our own behavior. How wise indeed, for no man can change the habits of another unless he inspires action through the power of his own right conduct. We can only change ourselves.
Treating others with kindness because it’s how we’d like to be treated is a great reason to live a life of service. Looking deeper we can find that the reason these teachings exist is because our very understanding of life’s deepest truths can only be fully understood as we give ourselves to the aid of others.
Last week as I got ready for my day I had the strong impression that “we need each other.” The thought came seemingly out of the blue although it was preceeded by a smile and quick memory about my girlfriend. The thought however of us all needing each other sunk in deep during the moments that followed.
I recalled times where I had felt like I wanted escape being around others or that I could understand life without the help of others. I even felt that I could overcome my pornography addiction without the others, just me and God, that’s all I needed. Ironically, I often came to those feelings while reading books…written by, yup, others. I also would feel this superman-like determination after a relapse and because I was embarrassed to tell anyone of what I had done.
The power of connecting emotionally with others allows love flow freely as we give our energies; our time, our thoughts and prayers, our skills and passions, our laughter and our true understanding gained through lives experiences – to those around us. Indeed, it is ONLY through these, often difficult efforts, that any lasting connection can be made. Victor Brown said in his powerful book Human Intimacy: Illusion & Reality, “marriage (and for that matter, all relationships) is not for emotional weaklings.”
It’s so easy to overlook the debt which we owe to our fellow man…for just about EVERYTHING. I love to play the guitar. However, my enjoyment of this hobby would have been severely limited without the efforts of the thousands who came before me; those who studied acoustics, those that build prototypes who failed and tried again, those that diligently observed and documented the relationships between notes, those who sored to great musical heights and inspire greatness and those who took incentive to finance and manufacture the creation of affordable guitars. My enjoyment has been developed over centuries and I am the beneficiary. I owe those people a debt of gratitude.
When we truly see and feel the connection we have to others – that they are part of us, our brothers and sisters – we can open up and fully give of ourselves to them and in so doing know that all we give will be returned to us. In fact, we cannot fully receive that which we do not also give. Kindness is repaid with kindness. The healing of forgiveness is obtained when we afford it to others. We help others and in doing so we only help ourselves. This was beautifully illustrated in The Celestine Prophecy, a novel by James Redfield made motion picture in 2006 (watch through about 4:15)
Perhaps this is why the final step in the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Program is to give back and to share your story with others. We share our experiences to learn of ourselves. We gain freedom and hope as we share freedom and hope with others. Because love is such a powerful key to avoiding the pitfalls of pornography addiction it’s essential to learn to give love and to serve.
In the course of my recent search for freedom from pornography and other sexual addictions and heavily rooted in the Candeo program I am engaged in, I’ve seen realized the absolute necessity to correctly understand who I am and conversely, who I am NOT.
Falling in the mud doesn’t make one mud, nor does even willfully playing in the mud while having an understanding of the consequences lead to a transformation of a man back into the elements originally utilized to form his body. I am NOT my addictions.
It was truly refreshing to hear the strong refuting in the Candeo program of the “Once and addict, always an addict” philosophy so heavily taught in the social sciences. I had come accross this same firm stance that we are more than our behaviors a couple years back while reading The Alcholholism and Addiction Cure. In so many subtle and convincing ways we can come to believe that we are merely what we think or do. Even Batman said it so persuasively, “It’s not who I am underneath, it’s what I DO that defines me.”
Wow, I’m just realizing now just how harmful that philosophy can be to the thousands that find themselves trapped in bad habits and addictive behavior and who are looking for answers in fear.
I have definitley struggled against believing I was worthless. I haven’t always succeeded is seeing right, but at times I’ve felt a love beyond description that has surrounded me, made me to feel completely safe and that has given me sure confidence in who I am – a being of eternal light and infinite worth. In those wonderful moments I’ve glimpsed the eternities and felt assurance that everything would work out for the best. It’s that vision of myself to whom I aspire, to which I seek to conform my life to and it’s THAT being that so much is this world seeks to supress.
Through our actions & thoughts we can convince ourselves that the philosophies of man – that man is only man and can succeed by their own strength a – humanism – is true. By doing so we lose sight of the divinty within us, that part that understands truth naturally, that part that reaches out to others in love and concern for their well being, that part of us that truly realizes that we are all one, children of a living God. We can also begin to worship pleasure (hedonism), the mind (intellectualism) or the things which we can create (materialism); again, all leading to the same drab conclusion: that our existence has an end in ourselves.
The “true self” of which I’ve caught glimpses – by cutting through the darkness & filth of negative self talk, indulgence in the physical appetites & idleness – can only be understood by one seeking to find it. This means that behavior and thought don’t define us, but rather, that if properly practiced can lead us to understanding and seeing our true selves.
This leads me my next an investigation on the nature of truth, how to really know it or rather, how to see things as they really are & how to keep from being deceived by those who would tell lies & falsehoods for their own purposes: riches, popularity, power & gratifying the lusts of the flesh.
So I’ve hesitated for quite some time now to begin writing my 1st post here. I guess it stems from my tendency to have things “just right.” It’s like owning a new journal or book and making your first mark upon it’s bare pages. Well, it’s time to jump in & start swimming. To begin with, I’d like to state my purpose for creating this site. I have an addiction. I’ve been caught in a web of pornography & sexual addiction for some 20 years; and I’m not talking about the kind of cobwebs you sweep easily out of the corner of your room with a rag or broom. I’m talking about the large, incredibly sticky, “WATCH OUT FRODO!” kind of web.
To continue with the Lord of the Rings visual, I’ve often felt like that little hobbit entering the giant spider Shelob’s lair – alone in an uninviting, dangerous cave. I too have at times sent my true friends away, thinking that I could handle things on my own, only to learn that the one I chose to trust was leading me right into a trap. I’ve also at times remembered the light of Eärendil, the “light…in dark places, when all other lights go out.” But as dangerous as it was and because my heart had become filled fear I too have let go of the light and found myself intoxicated by the enemy’s venom & bound by her sticky cords. At times I’ve felt quite like that mission-bound hobbit hedged on my journey, wrapped in the spider’s silken strings awaiting, not victory, but defeat as the poison slowly works its course within me.
I’ve felt the sting of regret, the draining power of poor choice & the despair of hopelessness. However, the reason I write to you today is to stand as a very real witness to the hope there is in the Light. We may at times let fear overcome us and loose sight of this brilliant power as did Frodo convincing ourselves that there is no escape, no hope and no reason to go on, but we’d be doing ourselves a great disservice to internalize this dismal message. There are those who love us and who would bring back the Light that we let go of. We’ll always need to fight if we are to obtain any sort of freedom. There is ALWAYS hope!
This blog is my journey of hope to obtain freedom from pornography addiction & the accompanying baggage that follows such an addiction. I do not consider myself an addict, but rather a child of divine parentage who has fallen into one of the many traps that a very real enemy lays to ensnare each of us in our journey towards the Light.
It is my firm belief that we are all children of a loving Father and that he’s sent his Son, Jesus Christ to, in some incredible way, provide us the power necessary to change our behavior and free ourselves from all types of addiction, I wish to invite everyone, regardless of beliefs or faith, to join me in an enlightening journey of hope.
My goal with this blog is to shed light on the true nature of pornography use and the many lies that are told to bring its viewers into bondage. This investigation will include words from prophets of God as well as understandings from modern science about the nature of addiction. It is also my intent to instill hope in my own heart and in the hearts of all those who wander in the darkness of pornography. I desire to inspire action and encourage commitment to truth and will do this with stories, music, assignments and with other moving means. Lastly, I want to facilitate successful freedom from porn addiction and other sexual addiction by providing resources and tools that truly make sense, that help utilize hope and commitment to change.
I feel love in my heart for all those who struggle as I do. I pray that if you are struggling that you would open your heart to the possibility of a life filled with light and love as you sincerely seek to gain your own personal freedom from addiction. You CAN learn to be in control of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors just as you can learn to play the piano or speak German.
Shedding light on the truths of pornography use, instilling hope in those that are caught in the darkness of addiction, inspiring action and providing tips & tools to help facilitate the success that will come to all those who wish it.
