Posts Tagged ‘frustration’

Schedule to Prevent States of Indulgence

October 4th, 2009

A schedule has always been something hard for me to stick to. Even the very act of creating one at times is painful to me. It’s not because I don’t want to, because I want to be “free.” In fact, I really love and am energized by the process of creating a schedule, it’s just that I’m so detail oriented that I often get lost in all the possibilities and never complete a schedule; or if I do, I tend to get lost in all the things that I didn’t anticipate that need to get done during the day that I didn’t put on my schedule. The truth of the matter is, if you fail to plan you plan to fail.

Another thing that affects my state of mind is becoming frustrated at not getting things accomplished. When I have no focus like a schedule can provide I tend to do whatever comes into my mind. That’s not that bad all the time as I do fairly often review my goals and what I want to accomplish, however, I do tend to jump more from one activity to the next whenever the thought comes.

This distracted jumping around from subject to subject without persisting to finish much of anything leads to frustration. Frustration is a common feeling that I’m learning to handle better via Candeo pornography program. However, when I’m in a frustrated state and a stimulus presents itself I’m pretty susceptible to jumping on any thought there, such as “look at pornography“, “you need to masturbate“, or “you got some good sexual thoughts, it’s time to think ‘em.” I don’t usually put words to those moments of temptation, but perhaps that’s a good idea for I can then face them.

The next step if I don’t recognize and interrupt the thought/impulse is to rationalize with something like, “just a little won’t hurt” or “I am just going to get online or go in that store.” I’ll then get close to the edge so temptation is closer, but without actually indulging in it, a foreplay of sorts I guess. Again, if I don’t face it, replace it and connect I’ll start to fantasize, self-stimulate or “stumble upon” the temptation until I”m acting out the thought that came to me.

So, With a better understanding of what can happen when I don’t plan and keep focused on tasks I’m going to again get back on a daily schedule. I’ll have more patience this time. As I recognize important tasks that I need to add to my schedule I’ll do so and move on.

So to sum up, focus = reduced frustration = better state of mind = better ready to handle sexual stimuli.

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Failure or Forward? Learning from Slip-Ups

September 30th, 2009

So, yesterday I reported that I talked to my girlfriend about my all-night indulgence. I found it very rewarding to take her to lunch and ask her how she was feeling about it all. She expressed frustration that we have something so amazing and real and that I still have a need to turn to something so void of real connecting and empty of love.

That said, she was also very encouraging and complemented me on my progress. We’ve both seen people that have chose to give up when the battle gets hard. They listen to the negative self-talk and believe that they aren’t worth while, that they can’t do it, that there is no God, that they’re just made that way or that there’s nothing even wrong with the course they’re choosing.

I have come to see that there are laws of human nature just as there are laws of physics, math or biology. When those laws are followed, we obtain freedom. When we ignore them, fight against them or don’t see them we still must suffer the consequences that come not living in harmony with those laws.

It was a very good day yesterday because I stood up after I fell, brought it to light and evaluated the situation so I’m more aware for next time.

Mark Kastleman, a co-founder of the porn recovery program I’m going through did a podcast in May all about failure. He was reviewing research out of Stanford University. He said there are two types of mindsets one can have towards falling down: A growth mindset or a fixed mindset.

With a growth mindset our brain enters a state of focus, learning and growth when we make a mistake because we become alert to the problems as we seek to find out new ways to approach the situation and affect change. When our mind is “fixed” we see mistakes as failures and don’t try to change. Mistakes are only failures when we stay down.

As was aptly stated by Mr. Wayne, the father of classic superhero Batman, “Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up.”

Note: Mark’s podcast was part of an ongoing subscription to the Candeo addiction recovery program. Other great topics discussed in these podcasts are: ADHD and Addiction, Healthy Sexual Relations in Marriage, Dealing with Erotic Dreams, The Amazing Power of Journaling & How Porn Radically Alters the Brain.

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I’ve Fallen and I CAN Get Up

September 29th, 2009

I’ve found it difficult to get on a schedule for posting regularly, but it may just come from my tendency to want things to be perfect before they go out. I think it will be more beneficial if I simply write just a little each day instead of endlessly philosophizing. So, here it goes:

Yesterday I had a rough day. It was rough because when I was tempted I did not fully give my heart to engaging in my “Face it. Replace it. Connect.” exercise. This simple skill has come to mean a couple very special things to me.

By giving attention to how I’m feeling and thinking and then facing it with God’s help I have seen that each day I am given so many opportunities to choose who I follow and what direction I go. THAT is powerful!

So, back to yesterday. When I was tempted by my situations I stopped myself mid indulgence and ran from each one, believing the lies that were swirling around in my head:

  • You are not a good person, look at what you’re thinking.
  • This is too powerful. You can’t fight it.

The day almost ended with a conversation with my girlfriend. I spoke to her about my day filled with temptation and how I hadn’t fully faced them. I say almost because when I went home I opened my mind again to fantasy and in a tired state I proceeded to remove the computer filter that has been ever so helpful. I then indulged in pornography viewing and self-stimulation until about 4:30 in the morning all the while despising myself for the choice. I had had the thought to just go to bed. I had another impression to call my girl. I followed neither.

This morning as I talked to my girlfriend about it we both expressed frustration, but hope. We made a couple of invaluable observations.

  1. I am not the feelings I was feeling. I am God’s son.
  2. I should focus in on the progress and growth I’ve been making, not that I slipped again.
  3. Because of the success I’d been having over the last week, the porn felt foreign to me. This was a step in a good direction.

All in all, I have had some valuable moments this morning as I’ve thought and written about the whole experience. I also began level 5 of my porn addiction recovery program. The first question was how the intensity of my recovery has changed. I HAVE felt the strength of the temptations lessening because I’ve been given a tool that allows me to stop, think, feel and act. Without this tool I had been running from my temptations and giving into them when I got tired of running.

Though I slipped a bit, I know that I’m not back to ground zero. I acknowledge the powerful changes that are taking place in my life. I know that they are a process and I’m pleased to be on this journey to freedom.

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