I’ve found it difficult to get on a schedule for posting regularly, but it may just come from my tendency to want things to be perfect before they go out. I think it will be more beneficial if I simply write just a little each day instead of endlessly philosophizing. So, here it goes:
Yesterday I had a rough day. It was rough because when I was tempted I did not fully give my heart to engaging in my “Face it. Replace it. Connect.” exercise. This simple skill has come to mean a couple very special things to me.
By giving attention to how I’m feeling and thinking and then facing it with God’s help I have seen that each day I am given so many opportunities to choose who I follow and what direction I go. THAT is powerful!
So, back to yesterday. When I was tempted by my situations I stopped myself mid indulgence and ran from each one, believing the lies that were swirling around in my head:
- You are not a good person, look at what you’re thinking.
- This is too powerful. You can’t fight it.
The day almost ended with a conversation with my girlfriend. I spoke to her about my day filled with temptation and how I hadn’t fully faced them. I say almost because when I went home I opened my mind again to fantasy and in a tired state I proceeded to remove the computer filter that has been ever so helpful. I then indulged in pornography viewing and self-stimulation until about 4:30 in the morning all the while despising myself for the choice. I had had the thought to just go to bed. I had another impression to call my girl. I followed neither.
This morning as I talked to my girlfriend about it we both expressed frustration, but hope. We made a couple of invaluable observations.
- I am not the feelings I was feeling. I am God’s son.
- I should focus in on the progress and growth I’ve been making, not that I slipped again.
- Because of the success I’d been having over the last week, the porn felt foreign to me. This was a step in a good direction.
All in all, I have had some valuable moments this morning as I’ve thought and written about the whole experience. I also began level 5 of my porn addiction recovery program. The first question was how the intensity of my recovery has changed. I HAVE felt the strength of the temptations lessening because I’ve been given a tool that allows me to stop, think, feel and act. Without this tool I had been running from my temptations and giving into them when I got tired of running.
Though I slipped a bit, I know that I’m not back to ground zero. I acknowledge the powerful changes that are taking place in my life. I know that they are a process and I’m pleased to be on this journey to freedom.
When you are tired, you will respond to situations the same as if you are drunk. This is probably a good reason for…early to bed! When tired, your frontal cortex is not fully functioning and this is where your judgment comes into play. Keep on keeping on! You are on the right path!