So, I went to an SA meeting last night out here just as something to do. I didn’t have a real strong dedication to engage in a recovery activity, but rather wanted to see a friend. However, in the meeting I was reminded by the honesty in the room that I’m not alone. I think that I’ve been pretty laid back for the last few months about recovery. While stringent adherence I’ve learned can sometimes cause stress and unnecessary guilt, I’ve also learned that approaching recovery in a casual, non-intentional way can lead to similarly frustrating results.

I writing now to remember that the addict inside of me doesn’t just go away because I ignore him. I’m writing to remind myself that I have so much going for me and when I fail to stop and recognize that, and be grateful for that, I so easily get sucked into addictive cycles. I’m writing to remember that I’m loved no matter what I do. I’m writing to build my commitment and dedication to seek good.

I know there’s purpose in everything. So while I’m here working, I want to make the best of my time. I will be intentional. I will think ahead and make plans for my successful navigation of life’s challenges. I will learn along the way and not be too hard on myself for making mistakes. I can learn from even mistakes and grow from even falling.

I’m not sure why I never connected the moral of this story to what I just learned this week about how to increase my good and wholesome desires, including my desire for healing and recovery. I have been learning over the past month just how important desires are and how they are at the beginning of everything we do. “If that’s the case,” I thought, “how do we get ‘em?!”

With that clear question in my head and a desire to know the answer I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when I rad across the answer to my question in a book entitled Drawing on the Powers of Heaven by Grant Von Harrison. He said that our desires come as a direct result of our thoughts and attitudes.

“Wow! Really?” I was amazed. I knew that I could choose to think about good things, it has been happening quite naturally each morning for the last 2 weeks as I’ve woken up, thought of 10 or more things I’m grateful for and then dove into my scriptures with the goal of finding what my God wishes me to know about Honesty.

Something clicked when I read that. I saw that the things I have been counseled to do for years are actually powerful tools I already possess to mold and shape my desires. I am glad to now understand the moral to the native american tale. I now ”get” the grandfather’s reply to the boy’s curious question, ”which wolf wins?”

“The one you feed.”

To keep from repeating yesterday, I wrote down exactly what I wanted to do during specific time frames, limiting myself to 30 minute stints online along and visiting only one specific site, the one where I could accomplish what I set out to do during that 30 minutes.

My first 30 minute I spent 10 minutes looking into something that wasn’t on my plan. When my 30 minutes was up I hopped off the internet and changed activities like I had planned. This change was like a reset button and my propensity to wander was starved. The plan worked for today and though I’ve had a real difficult time making plans in the past, I believe it was due to my perfectionistic tendencies that were driven by the belief that I’m not capable of succeeding. The time to leave  behind THAT belief has come!

Passing day 35 of my 90 in 90 I am learning to surrender. When I first jumped into 12 step addiction recovery meetings it was a difficult thing to understand what that meant, but I’m seeing that it’s a very practical thing to do throughout the day. When I began recovery I began by surrendering my addiction, admitting that I am powerless over it. As I’ve been doing that I, in essence, peeled back a layer of the onion that is my soul. Once that was pulled back I saw that I needed to surrender not only my behavior, but my urges to act out. Once that was pulled back, I noticed that there was frustration that too could be surrendered. Even deeper was what that frustration was stemming from and covering, feelings of inferiority, beliefs that I was not good enough or that I was incapable of succeeding.

Here’s what surrender looks like to me. In moments where I notice my eyes wandering, when I’m frustrated, when I feel irritated, I say to God, “Hey God, I notice that I am looking to objectify. I am giving this desire to you. You’ve promised strength to those who ask. I am asking now for you to take my wandering eyes and deliver to me courage and peace of mind.” I will also often get up and move to a different location or go for a quick walk to have this conversation in order to help change my state of mind. It’s simple. It’s practical and best of all, it’s a skill that I can practice in the moment.

I have been trying to think of ways to get away from always being “plugged in”. It was convenient that my computer totally died a couple weeks ago…more properly said, it was a blessing. It was right at the beginning of my decision to do a “90 in 90″ and it’s given me some longer lengths of sobriety and ability to think more clearly without the “oh, I just gotta check my email, Facebook account, etc.” feeling.

I’ve rigged a little way that I can call in and give an update for my recovery journal and I am going to use it, in addition to my daily meetings and calls with my sponsor to get more out of my own head, more honest and the like. Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts.

It takes a lot to admit your flaws, to admit that you’re not where you want to be. It’s difficult to be vulnerable with friends, let alone a whole bunch of strangers who find their way to your website. So, I’ve been avoiding updating everyone on my status and reaching out to those who have answers and interviewing them over the last couple months. I know it’s normal to feel fear, but it’s not as common to admit it and face it. I’ve once again come to the conclusion that the more I open up and share from the heart the more I am able to walk through the fear instead of cowering in a corner each time I feel it.

The last two weeks I’ve gone back to my 12 step program that I think I’ve been avoiding. I also met today with my religious leader. I’m setting goals to move on with my life, I’m planning my days and turning my desires over to a higher power. Through all of this I have been learning that strength comes from honesty. I felt that before and had even begun writing a book about it. It just feels like I can’t write until learn more about the topic. There’s a reason I guess that I keep relearning the need for honesty. Each time I close up and try to hide things from those who offer their help to me I jump onto a superficial plane where I’m not able to progress. It feels like I’m trying to ride my bike to a destination hundreds of miles away, but doing it on a stationary bike.

I often think about the interviews I’ve done up until this point with great men and women and they’ve all had one thing in common, they’ve all shown me in one way or another that they’ve had courage in the face of fear.

I just want to say thank you to those who have listened, who have supported me endlessly (even when I don’t appear to be making any progress) and for the friends, family and strangers who have shared with me hope and much needed love. YOU keep me going. YOU inspire me to try again. YOU lift me up when I fall and I thank you for it. I’m getting back up and I hope to join you again. Let’s fight the good fight.

Here’s the NPR Story, Religious Groups Tackle An X-Rated Secret

National Porn Sunday Talk from XXXchurch on Vimeo.

Recently I came to some important understandings about my life. During the WRAP Week interviews for the Honest Answers Podcast I was introduced to a 21 Day Program of Tony Litster‘s in which he walked me through some activities to help me “clear out the weeds” in the garden of my mind. We evaluated why I do what I do, the beliefs behind the actions, etc. After the weeding, and all along the way actually, he shared this idea of being enough. The idea same idea was shared by other guests throughout the week as well and it slowly started to sink in…until one day I was feeling some urges to act out my addiction, but decided instead to turn to God. It was incredible how he helped me to see what the urge was all about, what was driving the powerful feelings of lust. It’s like he took the blinders away and allowed me to see things as they really were. That time I was simply hungry. The next time I turned to Him my eyes were opened to see that I feared never really being loved.

Each time I’ve turned to him during these moments of temptation, I’ve been filled with a love from heaven that let’s me know I am enough, period. My worth is not based on my weaknesses, character flaws or even poor choices I’ve made. Do those things bring sorrow? Sure they do, but they don’t change the way that my Father Above feels about me. And they don’t need to weigh me down with sorrow or shame, in essence keeping from reaching my full potential. My worth is constant.

So, with this new understanding I looked back on my mission experience & I saw things with new eyes. Because I unknowing attaching my worth to my behaviors I felt great during the time I was doing good, but when I began to slip, I had concluded that my worth too had somehow slipped as well. That contributed to a downward spiral and led me right back into patterns that I had left behind for near a year’s time.

Well, I want to remind myself and you as well that God loves you infinitely. In His eyes you are GREAT! There is NOTHING you can do that will ever change that. Understanding this helped me get past the barriers that I had put up between Him & I. Knowing that He was constant in his ability to love me gave me permission to go to Him when I was slipping and work through the hard feelings so I could again stand on firm ground. You are MORE than the choices that you’ve made. You are God’s kid!

I don’t mean to minimize the hurt, the pain and the very real anguish that so many feel because of injustices that have been forced upon them. There are an infinite number of ways in which we can be wronged, but there is one way in which we can be free from the draining and life sapping effects of holding on to those wrongs.

While it may not be easy to forgive others who have wronged us or even ourselves for times we acted against our better judgment, it is always better to do so.

Take for example the story of Corrie Ten Boom who watched family members killed in a concentration camp and was later approached by one of the guards who oversaw those atrocities. She speaks of the rage that pulsed through her veins as she thought about what he had done. It was all she could do to lift her hand to receive the gesture of his. She told God that she would need his help forgiving because of the anger she felt towards this man. I’ve put her story and the story of others in the video playlist on the power of forgiveness below.

Whether you have an addiction to pornography or you love and support someone that does, forgiveness is for you. I hope you enjoy the videos. They made me cry and I feel a deeper sense of the need to forgive others their trespasses against me.

(if you’re viewing this on Facebook or somewhere that doesn’t bring in the video, please see my post Porn Addiction & the Power of Forgiveness).

God bless my friends! Keep on moving forward, taking a step at a time and one day you’ll look back and say, how in the world did I ever get through that monster of a trial? The answer may come simply and beautifully, “one step at a time.”

The Purity Report “40 Day Challenge” from Pure Community Ministries on Vimeo.

It’s a New Year with thoughts of progress and forward motion. I have meant to do this step for some time now. I guess in ways I have already begun, but I’m going to make it thorough and right. When I interviewed John Glisson of The Purity Report and other sites aimed at giving online community resources to those struggling with strong urges to turn to pornography to resolve deep emotional issues, he underscored for me the importance of accountability. I had heard of it before and even made attempts at practicing it. John however delineated between two important components of accountability. The initial part we may cal the First-Step Inventory. In Christian circles it’s often called confession. The power of digging down deep to share with another the true nature of your addiction, where it began, the things that it’s entailed is important. It’s like “like drawing a line in the sand” as John puts it. It also helps to purge yourself of the ugliness that’s been festering inside of you, fanned by the fuel of secrecy (a topic that Jonathan Daugherty brings up very poignantly). The second part of accountability is the ongoing, daily confession. The initial confession like a deep cleaning of the bedroom, the ongoing confession like hanging the clothes up, making the bed, dusting regularly, etc.

So, in the spirit of change and of newness I am starting John’s 40-Day Challenge. It’s simple if you’d like to give it try. Simply Tell Your Story & fill out a Purity Report each day for 40 days. You can read more about involving an accountability partner here.

Also relevant to this discussion:

• John Glisson’s Honest Answers Interview
• Jonathan Daugherty’s Honest Answers Interview
• Sign up for Destination Freedom to access all Honest Answers Podcast full interviews.