Archive for the ‘Freedom Journal’ category

Foundations in Christ

October 14th, 2009
The Master Healer

The Master Healer

Pornography is a vicious master. Even when it’s not around I can recall images in my mind and fantasy is a powerful alternative to porn. I have been striving so hard to find a way out of my chains. I have been “working my program” and been very diligent at it, not perfect, but diligent.

I keep having days I’d best describe as cloudy. Though there are bright rays of hope and peace scattered throughout to keep me moving forward I have also felt dazed by not knowing when I will be free. I struggle because I think that “if I just work the program I’ll be better.”

Recently as I read a book by a man who struggled with porn and masturbation addiction that overcame it, he cited all the efforts he poured out to try and rid his life of the prison of pornography. He struggled for 30 years and felt hopeless though he kept trying.

One day it hit him…the answer wasn’t in “trying to be like Jesus” alone, it was in giving his life over to Jesus! Jesus, he rightly stated, is the only name by which mankind can be saved. Thus, any efforts, no matter how great they are insufficient to deliver us from the slavery and sin of addiction.

Only in Christ as our foundation can we be set free. I have felt that many times, but so often forgotten it as I print out a checklist of all the things that he asked us to do and begin doing them. I get lost in the details and find myself right back in the same trap.

So, here, I’m admitting that I don’t fully understand the great doctrine of Christ, the kind that saves, but I want to and commit now to seek him out until I know him.

Just before my religious missionary service I gave myself to a study of the word of God. It wasn’t in the act itself, but it was in what I was looking for that a temporary deliverance came to me while I served. Sober for a year. Alive in Christ. A Mighty Change of Heart. That’s what I want again. Christ, take my heart and make it pure!

Early to Bed, Early to Rise…

October 6th, 2009

The lure of pornography for me is strengthened when I am lax in my devotion to true ideas, the necessity of adequate sleep being one of them.

Today for the first time in a while I gave attention to the time I was going to wake up. I did so with the help of my girlfriend. We decided that we wanted to read scriptures together before she started getting ready for the day. I woke up at 5 to do my own study so we could read at 6. Great start to my day! And I was then ready to take the day head on.

I’ve have tendencies towards having unfocused and unmotivated days, but just this last weekend I put together a schedule and posted it this morning. This has helped me to know where I am going during any given time period throughout the day. It really is like the Cheshire Cat said in Alice in Wonderland, “If you don’t know where you’re going then it doesn’t matter what road you take.” My schedule and waking up early to start the successes rolling first thing has given me some great energy!

There is so much energy and power in accomplishing goals when it comes to breaking the strength of a sexual addiction. Sitting around being lost in space only gives my mind ample time to wander onto sexual thoughts. And if I’m tired, bored or lonely it only makes those thoughts all the more enticing to invite in.

I’m grateful for the power of action. We’re all so much more capable than we think. We simply need to define our goal and act in small ways daily until we arrive there. I’ll talk about goal setting tomorrow. It was also on my mind today.

Schedule to Prevent States of Indulgence

October 4th, 2009

A schedule has always been something hard for me to stick to. Even the very act of creating one at times is painful to me. It’s not because I don’t want to, because I want to be “free.” In fact, I really love and am energized by the process of creating a schedule, it’s just that I’m so detail oriented that I often get lost in all the possibilities and never complete a schedule; or if I do, I tend to get lost in all the things that I didn’t anticipate that need to get done during the day that I didn’t put on my schedule. The truth of the matter is, if you fail to plan you plan to fail.

Another thing that affects my state of mind is becoming frustrated at not getting things accomplished. When I have no focus like a schedule can provide I tend to do whatever comes into my mind. That’s not that bad all the time as I do fairly often review my goals and what I want to accomplish, however, I do tend to jump more from one activity to the next whenever the thought comes.

This distracted jumping around from subject to subject without persisting to finish much of anything leads to frustration. Frustration is a common feeling that I’m learning to handle better via Candeo pornography program. However, when I’m in a frustrated state and a stimulus presents itself I’m pretty susceptible to jumping on any thought there, such as “look at pornography“, “you need to masturbate“, or “you got some good sexual thoughts, it’s time to think ‘em.” I don’t usually put words to those moments of temptation, but perhaps that’s a good idea for I can then face them.

The next step if I don’t recognize and interrupt the thought/impulse is to rationalize with something like, “just a little won’t hurt” or “I am just going to get online or go in that store.” I’ll then get close to the edge so temptation is closer, but without actually indulging in it, a foreplay of sorts I guess. Again, if I don’t face it, replace it and connect I’ll start to fantasize, self-stimulate or “stumble upon” the temptation until I”m acting out the thought that came to me.

So, With a better understanding of what can happen when I don’t plan and keep focused on tasks I’m going to again get back on a daily schedule. I’ll have more patience this time. As I recognize important tasks that I need to add to my schedule I’ll do so and move on.

So to sum up, focus = reduced frustration = better state of mind = better ready to handle sexual stimuli.

Sexual Dreams

October 2nd, 2009

Sexual dreams are one thing that I can say isn’t new. In the past I’ve felt bad about having them, like I’m some type of pervert or bad person for having them. I think I felt that way before because I was still not consciously convinced that I could get out of my pornography addiction. They reminded me of my addiction and so I was scared. When those dreams would come into the scene of my mind I’d often wake up aroused and self-stimulate.

I have since come to a very different opinion of dreams. After looking a little into what dreams are I’ve felt some comfort in the thoughts of some dream researchers. Some believe that dreams are ways for our subconscious minds to work out answers to problems that we have during the day.

One researcher had worked with a girl that had been raped and was continually having nightmares about being overpowered by some man. She was told to enter her dreams and face her attacker. When she did her bad dreams stopped. Facing her fears brought about resolution.

[dream video]

Dreams have meant quite a bit to me over the years. I have spent time thinking about the things that happen in my dreams and felt some pretty powerful meanings arise. In one dream I stood in front of a classroom for some sort of show and tell. I had a little red pig that my girlfriend at the time had given to me. As I stood up there I felt embarrassed in front of the classroom, so I make fun of the pig. Everyone laughed, but I saw at the back of the room my girlfriend run away crying. I was unaware that she had been there, but at that moment I knew that I had something in my life that was important that I wasn’t treasuring as I should. Upon thinking about that meaning I was able to clearly identify something in my waking life that I needed to take more seriously.

I am grateful for my dreams and even thought I don’t fully understand them I am glad I have them.

After I woke up this morning I turned on a podcast by Candeo’s Mark Kastleman about Dealing with Erotic Dreams. One thing that I like about what he said was that we can approach waking from our dreams in the same way that we approach any other stimulus or trigger, with facing it, replacing it and connecting. We can do some gratitude breathing if we feel aroused and then give the dream the meaning that we want, replacing old beliefs that keep us trapped as prisoners to those dreams.

He suggested that if it’s too powerful we put in an inspiring movie or some powerful music to help us vividly connect with our motives and goals. And if by chance we wake up in the middle of the night and feel like there’s no way to connect he suggested journaling as a powerful way to connect with other. We could even write a letter to a friend or plan out some service we’re gonna do 1st thing when we wake up.

Breaking from the topic of dreams, I felt like I haven’t been as diligent the last couple of days in my recovery. I haven’t spent time learning or practicing that much. I’m not going to beat myself up for it, so I want to remember some of the great things that I’ve chosen to do. I have been with my girlfriend each day after work and have shared some sweet moments with her and her daughter. Last night we built a fort in their front room and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows over the fire in their fireplace. Good times!

I choose to avoid being complacent and am recommitting to being vigilant in my recovery and I’m excited to learn and grow each day.

Glory to God!

Failure or Forward? Learning from Slip-Ups

September 30th, 2009

So, yesterday I reported that I talked to my girlfriend about my all-night indulgence. I found it very rewarding to take her to lunch and ask her how she was feeling about it all. She expressed frustration that we have something so amazing and real and that I still have a need to turn to something so void of real connecting and empty of love.

That said, she was also very encouraging and complemented me on my progress. We’ve both seen people that have chose to give up when the battle gets hard. They listen to the negative self-talk and believe that they aren’t worth while, that they can’t do it, that there is no God, that they’re just made that way or that there’s nothing even wrong with the course they’re choosing.

I have come to see that there are laws of human nature just as there are laws of physics, math or biology. When those laws are followed, we obtain freedom. When we ignore them, fight against them or don’t see them we still must suffer the consequences that come not living in harmony with those laws.

It was a very good day yesterday because I stood up after I fell, brought it to light and evaluated the situation so I’m more aware for next time.

Mark Kastleman, a co-founder of the porn recovery program I’m going through did a podcast in May all about failure. He was reviewing research out of Stanford University. He said there are two types of mindsets one can have towards falling down: A growth mindset or a fixed mindset.

With a growth mindset our brain enters a state of focus, learning and growth when we make a mistake because we become alert to the problems as we seek to find out new ways to approach the situation and affect change. When our mind is “fixed” we see mistakes as failures and don’t try to change. Mistakes are only failures when we stay down.

As was aptly stated by Mr. Wayne, the father of classic superhero Batman, “Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up.”

Note: Mark’s podcast was part of an ongoing subscription to the Candeo addiction recovery program. Other great topics discussed in these podcasts are: ADHD and Addiction, Healthy Sexual Relations in Marriage, Dealing with Erotic Dreams, The Amazing Power of Journaling & How Porn Radically Alters the Brain.

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I’ve Fallen and I CAN Get Up

September 29th, 2009

I’ve found it difficult to get on a schedule for posting regularly, but it may just come from my tendency to want things to be perfect before they go out. I think it will be more beneficial if I simply write just a little each day instead of endlessly philosophizing. So, here it goes:

Yesterday I had a rough day. It was rough because when I was tempted I did not fully give my heart to engaging in my “Face it. Replace it. Connect.” exercise. This simple skill has come to mean a couple very special things to me.

By giving attention to how I’m feeling and thinking and then facing it with God’s help I have seen that each day I am given so many opportunities to choose who I follow and what direction I go. THAT is powerful!

So, back to yesterday. When I was tempted by my situations I stopped myself mid indulgence and ran from each one, believing the lies that were swirling around in my head:

  • You are not a good person, look at what you’re thinking.
  • This is too powerful. You can’t fight it.

The day almost ended with a conversation with my girlfriend. I spoke to her about my day filled with temptation and how I hadn’t fully faced them. I say almost because when I went home I opened my mind again to fantasy and in a tired state I proceeded to remove the computer filter that has been ever so helpful. I then indulged in pornography viewing and self-stimulation until about 4:30 in the morning all the while despising myself for the choice. I had had the thought to just go to bed. I had another impression to call my girl. I followed neither.

This morning as I talked to my girlfriend about it we both expressed frustration, but hope. We made a couple of invaluable observations.

  1. I am not the feelings I was feeling. I am God’s son.
  2. I should focus in on the progress and growth I’ve been making, not that I slipped again.
  3. Because of the success I’d been having over the last week, the porn felt foreign to me. This was a step in a good direction.

All in all, I have had some valuable moments this morning as I’ve thought and written about the whole experience. I also began level 5 of my porn addiction recovery program. The first question was how the intensity of my recovery has changed. I HAVE felt the strength of the temptations lessening because I’ve been given a tool that allows me to stop, think, feel and act. Without this tool I had been running from my temptations and giving into them when I got tired of running.

Though I slipped a bit, I know that I’m not back to ground zero. I acknowledge the powerful changes that are taking place in my life. I know that they are a process and I’m pleased to be on this journey to freedom.

Lessons from The Little Prince’s Garden

September 15th, 2009

This morning as I was in the back yard doing my morning study I knelt down to remove a few weeds from a little patch of ground that neighbors our driveway. It rained last night and the dirt was loose. As I pulled on several of the weeds I noticed something interesting, whereas most of the weeds when the earth was dry would break off and leave the roots to grow again another day, some were now coming up completely and more easily.

I’m amazed at what we can learn if we’re listening. The gospel of our brother Jesus Christ is often compared to water. To continue with the analogy, the garden is our lives and the weeds can be sin, or even just those things that clutter up our lives that will eventually, if left, will choke and overrun those plants we have planted for food or beauty.

One of my favorite stories is The Little Prince. Amid the handful of amazingly simple, yet powerful, little stories is one about what happens when weeds aren’t tended to when they are young.

“…there were on the planet where the little prince lived — as on all planets –good plants and bad plants. In consequence, there were good seeds from good plants, and bad seeds from bad plants. But seeds are invisible. They sleep deep in the heart of the earth’s darkness, until some one among them is seized with the desire to awaken. Then this little seed will stretch itself and begin — timidly at first — to push a charming little sprig inoffensively upward toward the sun. If it is only a sprout of radish or the sprig of a rose-bush, one would let it grow wherever it might wish. But when it is a bad plant, one must destroy it as soon as possible, the very first instant that one recognizes it.

Now there were some terrible seeds on the planet that was the home of the little prince; and these were the seeds of the baobab. The soil of the planet was infested with them. A baobab is something that you sill never, never be able to get rid of if you attend to it too late. It spreads over the entire planet. It bores clear through it with its roots. And if the planet is too small, and the baobabs are too many, they split it in pieces…

Fully Grown Baobab Trees

Fully Grown Baobab Trees

‘It is a question of discipline,’ the little prince said to me later on. ‘When you’ve finished your own toilet in the morning, then it is time to attend to the toilet of your planet, just so, with the greatest care. You must see to it that you pull up regularly all the baobabs, at the very first moment when they can be distinguished from the rose-bushes which they resemble so closely in their earliest youth. It is very tedious work,’ the little prince added, ‘but very easy.’” (p 16-18 The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery)

A great man once emphasized this another way, “Most vices in the beginning take on attractive and innocent appearing garbs, and a careful examination of the career of many an unfortunate man will reveal the 1st step of his misfortune in some ‘innocent pastime’ whose vice rarely manifested itself in its infancy.” (Gospel Doctrine, Joseph F Smith)

Two things I learned this morning while in the garden: One, if I desire a beautiful and fruitful garden, there shall never come a time where I may rest from my labors. Protecting my garden from weeds is all-the-time work. And two, the refreshing moisture of the gospel allows me to completely remove weeds from my garden, roots and all.

While I have already found myself with a baobab threatening to destroy my planet I have set my ax to it. I also am learning to recognize these plants while they are young. I continue to weed my garden so that others may not grow as this great beast has.

I was grateful this morning to feel this simple lesson rest upon my mind and teach me eternal truths.

I am also quick to recognize the role that the Savior is playing in my recovery. Last night I finished up Level 4 of my pornography addiction recovery program and now embark on a week long journey to incorporate into my life the skill of facing my fears & temptations as it has taught. I have already faced temptation three times this morning and I feel empowered by the process that helps me to face my fears and choose my own path.