I’m not sure why I never connected the moral of this story to what I just learned this week about how to increase my good and wholesome desires, including my desire for healing and recovery. I have been learning over the past month just how important desires are and how they are at the beginning of everything we do. “If that’s the case,” I thought, “how do we get ‘em?!”

With that clear question in my head and a desire to know the answer I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when I rad across the answer to my question in a book entitled Drawing on the Powers of Heaven by Grant Von Harrison. He said that our desires come as a direct result of our thoughts and attitudes.

“Wow! Really?” I was amazed. I knew that I could choose to think about good things, it has been happening quite naturally each morning for the last 2 weeks as I’ve woken up, thought of 10 or more things I’m grateful for and then dove into my scriptures with the goal of finding what my God wishes me to know about Honesty.

Something clicked when I read that. I saw that the things I have been counseled to do for years are actually powerful tools I already possess to mold and shape my desires. I am glad to now understand the moral to the native american tale. I now ”get” the grandfather’s reply to the boy’s curious question, ”which wolf wins?”

“The one you feed.”

To keep from repeating yesterday, I wrote down exactly what I wanted to do during specific time frames, limiting myself to 30 minute stints online along and visiting only one specific site, the one where I could accomplish what I set out to do during that 30 minutes.

My first 30 minute I spent 10 minutes looking into something that wasn’t on my plan. When my 30 minutes was up I hopped off the internet and changed activities like I had planned. This change was like a reset button and my propensity to wander was starved. The plan worked for today and though I’ve had a real difficult time making plans in the past, I believe it was due to my perfectionistic tendencies that were driven by the belief that I’m not capable of succeeding. The time to leave  behind THAT belief has come!

Passing day 35 of my 90 in 90 I am learning to surrender. When I first jumped into 12 step addiction recovery meetings it was a difficult thing to understand what that meant, but I’m seeing that it’s a very practical thing to do throughout the day. When I began recovery I began by surrendering my addiction, admitting that I am powerless over it. As I’ve been doing that I, in essence, peeled back a layer of the onion that is my soul. Once that was pulled back I saw that I needed to surrender not only my behavior, but my urges to act out. Once that was pulled back, I noticed that there was frustration that too could be surrendered. Even deeper was what that frustration was stemming from and covering, feelings of inferiority, beliefs that I was not good enough or that I was incapable of succeeding.

Here’s what surrender looks like to me. In moments where I notice my eyes wandering, when I’m frustrated, when I feel irritated, I say to God, “Hey God, I notice that I am looking to objectify. I am giving this desire to you. You’ve promised strength to those who ask. I am asking now for you to take my wandering eyes and deliver to me courage and peace of mind.” I will also often get up and move to a different location or go for a quick walk to have this conversation in order to help change my state of mind. It’s simple. It’s practical and best of all, it’s a skill that I can practice in the moment.

I have been trying to think of ways to get away from always being “plugged in”. It was convenient that my computer totally died a couple weeks ago…more properly said, it was a blessing. It was right at the beginning of my decision to do a “90 in 90″ and it’s given me some longer lengths of sobriety and ability to think more clearly without the “oh, I just gotta check my email, Facebook account, etc.” feeling.

I’ve rigged a little way that I can call in and give an update for my recovery journal and I am going to use it, in addition to my daily meetings and calls with my sponsor to get more out of my own head, more honest and the like. Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts.

It takes a lot to admit your flaws, to admit that you’re not where you want to be. It’s difficult to be vulnerable with friends, let alone a whole bunch of strangers who find their way to your website. So, I’ve been avoiding updating everyone on my status and reaching out to those who have answers and interviewing them over the last couple months. I know it’s normal to feel fear, but it’s not as common to admit it and face it. I’ve once again come to the conclusion that the more I open up and share from the heart the more I am able to walk through the fear instead of cowering in a corner each time I feel it.

The last two weeks I’ve gone back to my 12 step program that I think I’ve been avoiding. I also met today with my religious leader. I’m setting goals to move on with my life, I’m planning my days and turning my desires over to a higher power. Through all of this I have been learning that strength comes from honesty. I felt that before and had even begun writing a book about it. It just feels like I can’t write until learn more about the topic. There’s a reason I guess that I keep relearning the need for honesty. Each time I close up and try to hide things from those who offer their help to me I jump onto a superficial plane where I’m not able to progress. It feels like I’m trying to ride my bike to a destination hundreds of miles away, but doing it on a stationary bike.

I often think about the interviews I’ve done up until this point with great men and women and they’ve all had one thing in common, they’ve all shown me in one way or another that they’ve had courage in the face of fear.

I just want to say thank you to those who have listened, who have supported me endlessly (even when I don’t appear to be making any progress) and for the friends, family and strangers who have shared with me hope and much needed love. YOU keep me going. YOU inspire me to try again. YOU lift me up when I fall and I thank you for it. I’m getting back up and I hope to join you again. Let’s fight the good fight.

In chapter 4 of Mighty Man Manual Jon brings up some delightfully”Lewisesque” insights about God and his interaction with his children, us. He says,

“You are God’s workmanship. He is the potter. We are the clay. Hands off the pottery! The sooner you settle that you can take credit for nothing and give God ALL the glory for your victory, the quicker God can work.”

This passage brought to mind an analogy Lewis uses to describe the work that God does within the hearts and lives of those who surrender to him.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” (Mere Christianity, 1952)

I’m quickly coming to believe the truth in these statements. In my website intro video (YouTube: Stop Porn Addiction) I shared how I have felt like there are a million different answers, but that without something to guide me through it all I would continue to try and fail, get frustrated and eventually give up.

God has a plan for us, but if we insist on setting him straight with our own limited picture of how things we miss out on the grand plans he has in store for us.

I have felt time and again that one of things that leads me into temptation is not being focused. Sometimes when I sleep in I feel groggy upon waking. In this morning haze I often let my mind wander where it wants. If I’ve had a dream that’s sexual in nature my mind can be drawn to that in its foggy state. Not so good.

I’ve grown up learning about morning and evening prayers. In the case I described above, morning prayers are definitely a start to me gaining focus in my morning.

I learned a while ago just how powerful it is to “pray always.” Now of course that doesn’t mean that I’m on my knees all day long, but it DOES mean that I watch all day and pay attention to where my eyes are going, what I’m thinking, what feelings I’m having and what I’m saying and doing…which are an outcome of the first three.

At first it was really hard for me to recognize when I was in a state ripe for indulging. I had just acted so many times on the thoughts & urges that the window of awareness was small, but it’s getting easier. After many prayers and some practice it is becoming easier.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to remained focused on any given plan of attack. I think at times I make it too difficult, too many steps. So, I’m going to recommit myself again and try a simpler plan…3 weeks is the ultimate goal, but I haven’t gone 1 week in a while without giving in to some temptation or another, so I’ll start there.

The things I’m going to do daily

1. Spirit:
   1. Study the Word
   2. Prayer
2. Mind:
   1. Practice Face it. Replace it. Connect.
   2. Journaling
3. Body
   1. Exercise
   2. Good Sleep
4. Others
   1. Serve
   2. Work

Now that I write it out, it again seems like too much…is it? Eh, I’ll give er a shot. These are all very powerful things in my life. I’m also going to track how well I keep my eyes focused on good things, my thoughts on truth, my hands where they should be , and my actions in check.

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The third thing that has been very powerful has been a few changes in my Face it. Replace it. Connect. I started listing to an audio program called The Power of Visualization. In addition to breathing in gratitude and talking truth to my temptations I practiced a little visual spoken about on the CD. Dr. Lee Pulos. He had me imagine where I want to be. Picture it clearly, eliciting my senses of touch, smell, sight, sound & taste.  Next you picture your current state, but don’t give it much energy, you can imagine it in black & white even. Then switch back & forth between the two visions. I found some great motivation doing this. Doing this allowed me to see the GREAT contrast between the  two and I was very excited.

These three things have given me much more ability to keep myself from wallowing in false beliefs about myself.

As I’ve done this I have at times not moved on for a coupel weeks or more while I try to practice and live a principle. It was been helpful for me. In the past I got quite frustrated with myself when I didn’t move on at a steady and fast pace. I guess I’ve always seen myself as someone capable of learning quickly. In this new journey however, I have given up control of how quick I progress.

This week has held some hardships for me. My girlfriend and I decided it was best that I figure some things out before we move on with each other. I felt like I was putting the cart before the horse, acting like we’re engaged and such. Well, I know that the Lord is in the details of our lives and I’m dedicated to kick this porn and sexual addiction with the power of God.

Glory to God!

However, yesterday as I knelt in prayer and this morning as I was feasting upon the words of Christ I felt a gentle impression that my works ARE important, but that I just needed to remember why I was doing them. My efforts in learning about my addiction and in building skills necessary to face it are not so that I can fill some divine quota that would qualify myself for deliverance from my struggles.

Rather, my efforts are simply my meager offerings that I place on the altar of sacrifice before my Father in Heaven. I then must plead to him for acceptance of the offering that I know is not enough to save myself. Lastly, I must ask with all sincerity for the blood of his Son to cleanse and free me.

So, I again am confident that my efforts to change are not in vain. I simply must always keep the focus on my Savior and his ability, his might, his strength, for I of myself am weak. I of myself have been addicted to lust for almost 20 years. The only break in that addiction came when I began to search the words of Christ to find him and then gave myself to service.

It just hit me now as I’m writing this that I may just be arriving someday soon at the first step of the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program:

I admit that I, of myself, am powerless to overcome my addictions and that my life has become unmanageable.

I dearly seek the submission necessary to again leave behind my world of addiction and let the Light of Christ fill my heart, magnify my abilities and give me infinite love with which to serve my brothers and sisters here on this earth. Life is too short to spend it in any other way!