The Purity Report “40 Day Challenge” from Pure Community Ministries on Vimeo.

It’s a New Year with thoughts of progress and forward motion. I have meant to do this step for some time now. I guess in ways I have already begun, but I’m going to make it thorough and right. When I interviewed John Glisson of The Purity Report and other sites aimed at giving online community resources to those struggling with strong urges to turn to pornography to resolve deep emotional issues, he underscored for me the importance of accountability. I had heard of it before and even made attempts at practicing it. John however delineated between two important components of accountability. The initial part we may cal the First-Step Inventory. In Christian circles it’s often called confession. The power of digging down deep to share with another the true nature of your addiction, where it began, the things that it’s entailed is important. It’s like “like drawing a line in the sand” as John puts it. It also helps to purge yourself of the ugliness that’s been festering inside of you, fanned by the fuel of secrecy (a topic that Jonathan Daugherty brings up very poignantly). The second part of accountability is the ongoing, daily confession. The initial confession like a deep cleaning of the bedroom, the ongoing confession like hanging the clothes up, making the bed, dusting regularly, etc.

So, in the spirit of change and of newness I am starting John’s 40-Day Challenge. It’s simple if you’d like to give it try. Simply Tell Your Story & fill out a Purity Report each day for 40 days. You can read more about involving an accountability partner here.

Also relevant to this discussion:

• John Glisson’s Honest Answers Interview
• Jonathan Daugherty’s Honest Answers Interview
• Sign up for Destination Freedom to access all Honest Answers Podcast full interviews.

A discussion of pornography typically focuses on the user with little help directed at the healing of the afflicted spouse or family member.

In the documentary “Out in the Light” Steve and Rhyll Crowshaw share their story of how Steve’s pornography addiction impacted their marriage for more than 30 years. Through it all, Rhyll has found personal peace and healing and shares what she has learned through her experience.

Rhyll’s tips for finding hope and healing:

1. Seek information. Rhyll says, “Education about the addiction helped soften the feeling that I had been personally attacked and was one of the steps to refining my hope.”
2. Take care of yourself. Rhyll says, “I needed healing… not because I was weak but because I had been hurt.” Rhyll recommends taking time to slow down your emotions.
3. Find support and safety through: A 12-step group and sponsor; qualified counseling; a strong spiritual connection; boundaries – refusing to enable addict behaviors such as lying, victim attitude, blaming, and resentment.
4. Recognizing you have a choice in how you feel and how you approach the challenge. Rhyll says, “If I live in the past, I live with resentment. If I live in the future, I live with fear which paralyzes me. I started to learn to live in the present and be grateful for the present moment.”

For more information visit Rhyll and Steve Crowshaw’s foundation at www.salifeline.com, and to view the “Out in the Light” documentary, visit www.outinthelight.com.

The site is divided into sections for the several type of people who may come across it, including help for parents wanting to know how to help their children steer clear from pornography’s grasp and how to help those kids who have fallen prey to its tempting allure. It has specific resources for bishops and other leaders, youth specific help and of course help for spouses of those who suffer.

I would highly suggest this resource to anyone that has found that they struggle with temptation to use pornography to cope with the stress in life. I especially suggest the Addiction Recovery Program they have. While not specific to pornography addiction the strong sense I get from it is that it’s nothing more than a powerful step by step way to apply the atonement of Jesus Christ into one’s daily life. I felt a week ago as I listened to the audios of it that it would be an amazing addition to anyone’s study of the gospel. The greatest thing I’ve gained from it thus far (I just started Step 4: Truth) is the strength to look more honestly at my life…to see things how they really are. And after all, isn’t it the Truth that makes us free? Powerful!

Related: Honest Answers Interview with 2 Time LDS Bishop, Bishop Ed

Life's Golden Ticket

So, last week I received a book in the mail. I do love to get books that I’ve ordered off Amazon, but this one was not one of those. It came unexpected and with a little note that said “I love this book and figured you’d like it too. Enjoy!”

The retrun address was the address of a marketing company. Before reading it I just wrote it off as a marketing ploy, but as I got into it I imagined someone who cares reaching out, giving me a hand. I’ve fallen so many times in conjunction with my struggles and it felt like…

Well, let me tell you the circumstances under which I received this book…and it might make a little more sense. Yeah?

So several weeks ago I had felt renewed energy to take control of my life again. I had been missing the 12-step group I was attending, I had been inconsistent with my devotion to my God and hadn’t been practicing the skills I needed to have in order to triumph when temptation came. In short, I had been wallowing in self-pity, trying to stay afloat.

In the midst of these feelings and inconsistent behaviors I received the book. “Cool,” I thought and tossed the book on the passenger’s seat of my car, driving off to continue in the rut I’d been operating in on and off now for many years.

Last year I had stumbled across a little movie called The Celestine Prophecy and while not agreeing with all its premises, it had touched me. A major theme of the movie was that there are no coincidences in life.

I bring this up because when I finally sat down and turned the book over I saw a testimonial from James Redfield, the author of the book from which this movie was made. A coincidence? Perhaps. But if I had learned anything from the movie, then no.

The second “coincidence” that helped to push me on to read the mysterious book I had received in the mail was an incident at the library. I needed to buy a computer pass and had to spend a minimum of three dollars in order to use my credit card – the computer pass was only a dollar. So I grabbed a book or two. After I got home I noticed that this book too had a testimonial from James Redfield on it…I got the hint!

After starting the book I recognized its literary style. The Five People You Meet in Heaven had been similar, a journey of self-awareness. I also recalled having gone through a similar process when I devoured Leadership & Self-Deception twice. I paused many times to write down answers to the questions asked the main character in the book.

So, I can’t really give to you what I got from the book. It would not even be the right way to go about it… Let me change directions for a second, then I’ll bring it back to Life’s Golden Ticket.

I started a couple weeks ago to offer a little report for download to a small group of people. I call it my “Hope Report – Who You Really Are.” In it, I try with all I have to share with others the hope I’ve seen as I’ve started to give attention to healing from my addiction. Before reading it I challenge people to look inward, loosen the soil so to speak, so the roots of hope can go deep.

This book is JUST the type of book to help one “loosen the soil” before hope can take root. It’s about getting honest with yourself, a necessary component of moving forward to achieve any goal that we set out for ourselves.

I would recommend Life’s Golden Ticket to anyone looking to break down a few walls, but ONLY if they’re willing to be open with the process. Life isn’t what happens to us, but rather, how we choose to react to it. In other words, we get out of life what we put into it. So, if you’re not ready to put anything into this book, don’t bother. But, if you have even a small inclination to change and get real, it’s a real good place to start!

OFFER: Read it, let me know what ya think and I’ll send ya my free Hope Report and add ya to my book give-away list!

Several months ago I sat down with my girlfriend at the time and talked about the things I felt like where gonna be critical for my recovery going forward. One of those things was going out to a 12 Step based support group. A while back I went to one meeting, but then got into some groups that were associated with the individual therapy I was receiving at the time. They weren’t really rooted in the 12 steps however.

Here Dr. Carnes gives some of the core reasons why a group like 12 Steps is important in the recovery of those struggling with sexual addictions.

1. Exercise your body: giving blood to your brain is a good thing. Find an exercise you like to do, at your level that breaks a sweat at least 3-5 times a week. Body and mind are very connected.

2. Read good books: getting lost in an uplifting, enjoyable novel or self-help book can be a change from the same old thing.

3. Do a kind act for someone once a day: Porn sucks one into a world of selfishness. Without taking thought consciously for others you’ll risk a pitfall into loneliness or depression.

4. Hit your knees and take up prayer: to open yourself up spiritually to a higher power and the pure intelligence that can come from such a connection is at the heart of any recovery.

5. Be industrious: it’s different for everyone, but make sure your time is filled with work that benefits others, energizes you keeper idleness from flooding you with all kinds of temptations and urges.

6. Consider an internet break: a little fast can help you gain perspective and if this is where your problem is will give your some sobriety and time to think about your recovery.

7. Drop the hard music and grab a classical CD or two. Peaceful music has been shown to calm the body and ease stress and merry.

8. Meditation: Breath in and out. Learn to relax man, you’re too uptight!

9. Daily Structure: This can help you get in positive routines that can keep you out of trouble.

10. Positive imaging: Call it visualizing, imaging or whatever else you want, but spending time daily to bring good feelings and pictures into our minds charges us with ability and confidence that leads to better tackling of challenges.

You may feel the need to do all of these. If you’re good at beating yourself up when you don’t do something and you’re know to take on too much at once, pick one to start with. Do it daily for a week, then as you feel good about it, move on to another.

To learn more about sexual addiction recovery sign up below for a free mini-course that teaches principles that have helped thousands recover in clinical settings.

1. Be honest with yourself. Self deception is dangerous because we so often don’t even know we’re doing it. Ask yourself why you look at porn, what your justifications are, if they are true and what you will do to live honestly with yourself.
2. Confide in a loved one. There’s a powerful air of secrecy that is broken when you share your addiction. You also learn that you are still worth of love.
3. Do not be opposed to setting barriers for yourself. Just as one with an alcohol addiction shouldn’t frequent bars, you may wish to impose limits on your internet use. You may also wish to choose not to go to movie or grocery stores alone. You know your limits, don’t push them.
4. Connect with others. There a deep joy that comes from real connecting – a smile, a surprise note of thanks or helping someone with their groceries. It doesn’t have to be big but these acts daily given will help to give you something with which to contrast the false connection that pornography offers.
5. Learn of your addiction. Knowing is half the battle, was the old line from the GIJOE cartoons. Another saying tells it true, “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.” Commit to learning and you will be amazed at the ammunition you will have to battle your addictions.
6. Put your trust in the Lord. Many 12-step programs exist & a core premise is that the journeyer open up to their higher power. There’s a reason – because God is the only one that knows fully what you are going through and exactly how you can find true and lasting freedom. Turn to your Father in Heaven and you will find that you will gain access to not only the truth of the entire universe, but to your greatest friend and cheer leader.
7. Be active. This is two tips in one. Both exercise and being productive can help tremendously. Feelings of depression, worthlessness and low self-esteem are often easily remedied by works and by working out.

My goal with these steps is to give hope and ideas to those seeking to know how to stop porn addiction from ruining their lives. I am assured that there is deliverance and hope for all true seekers of hope and light. To learn more about conquering porn addiction and to get free podcasts about how to stop sign up on the form to the right.

First, I notice temptations or triggers. This takes some practice. Second, I stop what I’m doing, get up (or sit down as the case may be) and begin deep breathing (about 6 seconds in and 6 seconds out). With each breathe out I share with my Father in Heaven something I am grateful for. I do this 5 times. Third, I talk to the temptation and re-frame the situation to reflect the truth and my goals instead of the deceptions I’ve ingrained in my mind through repetitiously following my impulses. Forth, I envision my goals and good things and bring into my awareness the feeling of success. I enjoy it and bask in it for a while.  Lastly, I reach out and connect to another by doing something nice for them, a smile, a compliment, a nice text message or call just to say I was thinking of them.

Take a list of common temptations that lead you to indulge in your undesired sexual behavior. Each day spend some time morning and night practicing this little technique with each of those situations so that when you actually DO face them you’ll have given your brain a way to face and address them rather than giving in. There’s only one big difference between real life facing and replacing and your practice sessions and that is you’re going to have to imagine the temptation in your mind. When you begin to feel the strength of it, that’s when you begin breathing. At first it may seem like you’re inviting temptation, but keep practicing and you’ll break the associations you’ve formed over time.

This has been just one of the powerful techniques in a broader program of healing. It’s helpful to understand this tool in context. To check out my reviews of the program click on one of the following links. From each page you’ll be given a link that will give you access to free educational audio programs about recovery and the brain science behind porn addiction as well as masturbation and other sexual addictions.

• Pornography Addiction Recovery Program
• Masturbation Addiction Recovery Program
• Sexual Addiction Recovery Program

Note: The Face it. Replace it. Connect. method is not my own. I learned it from the Candeo Pornography Addiction Recovery Program and made some of my own adjustments. To me, this process has become somewhat of a prayer to me. It has become my expression of faith, or rather the action I have chosen to do to follow my Savior to become pure as he is pure.

In psychology there’s a concept known as dissonance reduction. When reality appears to be different from one’s beliefs or desires it can create internal disharmony or what’s known as cognitive dissonance. A common way that people try to reconcile this uneasy gap between what is and what is wanted is to change one’s beliefs…to bring into harmony one’s desires/beliefs with the perceived reality, being content.

Now at times, contentment can be very helpful and positive, freeing one’s self of flawed self and world views. But, it is worth considering the Serenity Prayer of Alcoholics Anonymous: “God grant me the ability to change what I can, accept that which I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference.” The danger with always reducing dissonance by changing our beliefs should be obvious. Without a set of firm and true guiding principles we are likely to be tossed around every time something is difficult and ultimately never achieve greatness.

Life, by design, is meant to engage us in a grand learning experience. Pain or challenge is a great teacher to those seeking truth. This doesn’t necessarily mean that one intentionally seeks out these masterful educators. There is a second way to achieve a reduction of dissonance when reality seems to be separate from our desires.

Assuming that your beliefs are founded on true principles, i.e. they lead you to do good, to help others, to love and give and grow and have inner peace even when external circumstances are bereft of peace, then changing your behaviors or actions to align with your beliefs is at the very center of the principles of growth and change.

If we are here on earth to learn and grow and find and follow truth, which I believe that we are, then it’s a must to know when to change our beliefs to mirror truth and when to change our behaviors to do the same.

Cognitive Dissonance or internal uneasiness is almost like an indicator we can use to gauge our progress on our journeys through life, a life success barometer. Those feelings bring to our attention a basic need, calling to be filled. It’s then up to us to examine it to decide whether a belief needs to be changed or a behavior that needs to more closely fall in alignment with our beliefs.

Through thoughtful consideration and sincere prayer it would be in our best interest to decide whether we need to “stick to our guns” (our beliefs) and “cowboy up” (change our actions)  or whether we just need to let go of old and untrue beliefs. It’s my firm conviction that we all have a conscience that, if we listen, can tell us what paths will lead to happiness and what ones will lead to sadness and despair. Therefore, any decision to let go of our beliefs shouldn’t happen just because it’s challenging to live according to them.

When we live truth we will inevitably encounter situations where we are tested in our devotion to it. Peer pressure, popularity of an idea of idea or support of an philosophy by a leader shouldn’t be our yardstick for measuring truth. Truth, when pondered in quiet moments with a sincere desire to live what one learns will “ring true” in some way. Often it comes through a calm or peaceful assurance. I will get excited by the prospects when I feel the clean & pure power of truth. Then it’s up to us to decide how we need to change to fit what we have just learned.

I recently heard someone say that which we focus on expands. I have heard this same idea expressed in other ways over the years and it is something that rings true to me as I’ve observed the things on which I focus. Focus is also how the brain learns and grows. It lays down new connections to reinforce existing connections and the more we study or spend time with a topic the more intricate the network of neurons becomes around that topic.

I have felt the power in this concept as I have been practicing what my pornography recovery program calls gratitude breathing. Each morning and night I spend 20 minutes in a quiet, secluded place. I have written down 5 situations that are fearful or anxiety producing to me. I bring them to mind, one by one, imagining myself in the setting. When I begin to feel the temptation or urge arise to indulge in sexual fantasy I immediately begin deep breathing, in for 6 seconds and out for the same. During my first breathe I ask the Lord for help in seeing things clearly.

While I breathe in I think of something for which I am grateful. While I breathe out I let the gratitude fill my entire body. I repeat this 5 times. As I’ve done this, a powerful calm fill me and I’m able to see the situation more clearly. I then face the temptation and re-frame it by stating aloud what I want it to mean to me.

For example: if the temptation is seeing a woman immodestly dressed and feeling the urge to fantasize about seeing her nude or having sex with her, after clearing my mind and filling my heart with gratitude I may say out loud something like, “What a beautiful woman. I wonder what her hopes and dreams are. I am her brother, a protector of virtue. I love my girlfriend and am excited to give my all to her someday. These powerful feelings I’m having  are a gift from God to cement a loving relationship together. I choose to bridle my passions that I may be filled with love and respect for all women.”

This practice has prepared me to face temptations I inevitably have on a daily basis, temptations to align my actions with my feelings and leave behind my values and beliefs. It’s through a sincere study of and praying about the word of the Lord and other good books that I find the truths that can make one happy and it’s through living them that I live after the manner of happiness.

I’ve decided to keep a fairly regular (as close to daily as I can) log of my journey from sexual addiction to freedom. I want it to be clear to myself and to anyone who ever asks, “how did you do it?!” that it was my Savior that reached into my life in small and simple ways to work great and marvelous changes in my life.

After continued evaluation and re-evaluation I’ve come up with 4 areas that really energize & motivate me. When I journal I will be asking myself the following questions as I daily strive for personal freedom from addiction.

My Journey of Freedom’s Focus Questions:

How did I see the Lord’s power to change in my life today while I…

1. …thoughtfully gave of myself to my brothers and sisters?
2. …gratefully remembered his mercy and grace?
3. …was learning about my addiction?
4. …courageously chose the right?

In this journal I hope to shed light on the truths of pornography use, to instill hope in those that are caught in the darkness of addiction, to inspire action and to help facilitate the success that will come to all those who wish it.